Engaging the Offender

When we find ourselves offended by another person, most of us choose not to engage that person directly and this costs us dearly. It has cost, both at the relationship level and at a societal level.

Whenever we are offended or insulted, we have two choices. Think of this as a mild fight vs. flight response. We can choose to engage the other person or we can choose to not engage. Last week’s episode was all about how to skillfully NOT engage.

As a general rule, engaging is the higher-order action. It takes more effort and potentially yields greater benefits. I appreciate that direct engagement is not always possible or preferable and I often choose not to engage in my own life. That said, when we choose to avoid direct engagement, I do think we miss a massive opportunity to learn, both individually, and collectively. It feels like society continuously reinforces the message that direct engagement is undesirable. Instead, we are encouraged to ignore the offense, or we are encouraged to appeal to a higher authority or third-party mediator. These options tend to separate us from our brothers and sisters rather than bring us closer together.

So, there’s my mini rant about why engaging the offending party is ultimately better for society as a whole. Now onto the real business. How do we go about engaging the other person when we find they’ve offended us?

Step One - Choose an Appropriate Venue

Being intentional about where you engage the other person is crucial. There used to be a saying that you should never talk religion or politics at cocktail parties. That adage obviously came into being before the internet. We should add social media to the mix. Even if you were offended by something you saw on Facebook, social media is definitely not the place to engage. Social media is the place where curiosity goes to die. It's the trench warfare of our modern age.

Take the conversation off-line. In fact, I recommend staying away from email too. Too much is lost in the nuance of the language and through the asynchronous communication. Engage in person, or by phone. If you really want to make progress, it’s the only way.

Step Two - Identify Your Real Objective(s)

Why do you want to engage the other person? This may feel obvious … because I’m offended. But if you look closely, that doesn’t say much about your desired outcomes.

Is your goal to communicate to the other person that they offended you? Okay. What do you hope will be the outcome of that? Do you want to better understand the other person’s perspective about why they said/did what they did? Do you want them to better understand yours? Is your goal to convince the other person they are wrong, and you are right? Are you planning to make a specific request of the other person? Are you seeking an apology? If so, why? 

Your answers to each of these questions will, at least should, change your approach. If you launch into the engagement without having thought through these, chances are you’ll lose sight of them in the heat of the moment.

The clearer you can be about your emotional state and potential triggers, the more control you’ll have when you actually get into the discussion. We’ve all gone into conversations with the best of intentions only to find ourselves confused about where things went wrong afterwards. 

Step Three - Get Curious 

I assume you have some desire to learn and discover coming out of Step Two. Frankly, if you are not the least bit curious, the odds of this working out well are pretty slim anyway. You might actually be better off choosing NOT to engage the offending party. If you have zero curiosity, you’re likely to wind up digging the trenches deeper than making any real progress.

Curiosity requires that you be open to the idea that you don’t know everything there is to know. In the moment, it’s really hard to be curious. Curiosity is not one of the basic survival instincts, so it disappears during a fight-flight situation. That’s why it’s important to get your curiosity game-plan in place before you engage. I recommend a simple 3-part process to help structure your curiosity. I call it the SPY Method. SPY stands for: Situation, People, Yourself.

Get Curious About the Situation. What are the facts? What are the circumstances? What did the other person say or do? What was happening at the time? If there was a specific event involved, what were the circumstances around that? When I find myself triggered or offended, the facts go out the window. I rely solely on what I already know. Or, more accurately, what I think I know. Getting curious about the situation requires us to take on new facts and information.

Get Curious About the Person. What was going through the other person’s head when they did/said what they did? What was their motivation? What was their intent? What was their level of awareness? What beliefs might they hold that informed their actions? These are the questions you’re ultimately seeking to answer with the engagement. Thinking about them up front will help you to formulate a more skillful approach.

Get Curious About Yourself. You know yourself better than anyone, so why would you need to spend any time thinking about this? Trust me, it’s worth the time. When we become offended, or triggered, by something or someone, it tells us as much about us as it does about the other person.

We all have biases and beliefs that influence the way that we react to every encounter, but rarely do we take the time to look at them with intention. The moments when we’re offended or triggered are the time to do it. Warning … You’ll be tempted to gloss over this step. Ironically, getting curious about yourself is the hardest of all, because we believe that we know everything already.

We have trouble going deep enough to actually discover something new. Here’s an expert level tip. When it comes to getting curious about why you are offended or triggered, it always comes down to one thing … Fear. What are you afraid of?

The Challenge 

Now you have two options for dealing with a situation where you find yourself feeling offended. You can choose to NOT engage and do so skillfully. You can also choose to engage in a skillful way. Either approach can be appropriate and even productive, as long as you are intentional about it.

Being intentional takes practice. Start small. Don’t jump into the most offensive situation as your first attempt. Notice the small, emotional triggers that happen throughout your day. This is one thing that social media is good for…a constant feed of opportunities to get annoyed or triggered! Take an offensive post and run through the decision tree. Feel how this may be different than what you would naturally do if you were not being intentional. This is where the real learning will happen … noticing the difference between what you do when you are aware and what you do when you are operating on autopilot.

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Photocredit: https://pixabay.com/users/aitoff-388338/

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