No Offense Taken

When was the last time you were offended? We’ve all had this experience and it’s never fun. How did things turn out? How is your relationship with the offending party now? Is there any residual resentment? Probably.

On two occasions last week I had someone tell me they were offended by something that someone else had said. As an outside observer, neither of the situations struck me as particularly offensive, yet I could see the fire these events had stoked within my conversation partners.

I asked my conversation partners whether they planned to do anything about the situation. Neither of them planned to follow up with the offending party. I find this heartbreaking. In both cases, relationships have suffered, and there’s no plan to repair the damage. There’s a good chance the people who committed the offenses are not even aware that something is amiss.  

The more I thought about these two situations, the more something became clear to me. I see a fundamental flaw with the notion of “offended” and I’d like to offer a more skillful alternative.  

Let’s break this down.

We’ll start with the notion of being “offended.” The very word implies a relationship. When was the last time you offended yourself? Doesn’t happen. To be offended, someone else must be the offender.  

There’s an ancient Zen parable that involves two fishing boats. The owner of the first boat notices the second boat heading directly at him. He begins shouting, “Hey! Move over! You’re on the wrong side of the river!” The second boat continues on its current path, right towards the first boat. By now, the first boat driving is getting very annoyed. He begins jumping and waving his arms wildly. “Hey, you idiot! What the hell are you doing? Move over!” A few seconds later, the boats collide. After regaining his balance, the fisherman storms to the front of the boat to confront the incompetent pilot, only to find the other boat completely empty. It had broken away from the dock and drifted down river.

The boat driver was offended until he discovered there was nobody to be offended by.

When someone offends us and we choose not to do anything about it, we are getting offended at a driverless boat. As soon as we pull back into isolation, it ceases to be a relationship.

I propose a new rule. Unless we plan to engage the other party, we are no longer allowed to be “offended.” Notice, I didn’t say “confront” the other party, because I’m hoping if we choose to engage, we’re able to do so skillfully. Next week, we’ll discuss how to engage the offending party in a skillful way. For now, let’s just deal with the individual component.

What if we don’t want to engage? What if we prefer to sulk, solo? We can’t simply pretend the offense never happened. That wouldn’t be real or realistic. We have to feel something, right?

Of course. The goal is to cultivate feelings that are more productive. I’ll offer an alternative approach that involves two steps.

Step One – Sadness 

I like sadness as an alternative to “offended”. Being offended carries a sense of righteousness that ultimately fuels the flames, in perpetuity. Sadness, on the other hand, allows us to feel a sense of loss, without the vindictive energy. With sadness, we are wounded. Wounds inevitably heal. Instead of being offended by the other person, allow yourself to experience sadness at the situation. Sadness for what you’ve lost. For the damage that has occurred.

Step Two – Curiosity

Curiosity is a little tougher, because it requires us to surrender our status as pure victim. It forces us to wrestle with the other person’s perspective. With curiosity, we ask ourselves what might have been the motivation for the other person. Instead of assigning motive, we wonder how they might have come to the decision they made. The goal is to do this in a way that makes sense from their perspective. Would the other person agree that’s why they did what they did? Notice, you can be curious about another person without having to engage the other person. You may never get the answers to your curious questions, but there’s value in simply asking the questions and trying to make sense of the situation from the other perspective.

The Challenge

The next time you find yourself feeling offended, try this…

1. Acknowledge that you feel offended and that you are entitled to this feeling. Notice the way that your “survival” energy makes you feel strong in opposition to the threat. Allow yourself to feel this way for a minute or two.
2. Take three deep, deliberate breaths. Remind yourself that you are okay. You’ve experienced a threat, but you are not threatened.
3. Allow yourself to connect to the sadness of the situation. Allow the loss of trust to sink in. If you find yourself slipping into blame or back into anger, go back to step 2. Do this until you are able to feel sadness without judgment.
4. Once you’ve experienced sadness fully, see if you can generate curiosity. Notice that your curiosity doesn’t need to threaten your sadness. You can still be sad AND be curious. Curiously explore the situation until it feels complete.
5. Notice how you feel now. Does it feel different from you did when you first experienced the offense? What has changed? What do you plan to do now?

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