This Sucks, and That's OK

The other day a friend and respected colleague posed an interesting question to me … isn’t feeling “stuck” part of the normal change process and therefore not something that we should try to escape? 

I believe her question points to a larger problem … our unwillingness to honor the full range of feelings, emotions, and experiences that we all have through the course of our lives. We love the good stuff, but when bad stuff happens, we try to get away as quickly as possible. There are some serious flaws in this approach.

On a personal level, if we are unwilling to experience certain emotions and feelings, we are dooming ourselves to experience them all the time. It’s like when someone tells you not to think of a pink elephant and suddenly the pink elephant appears. Pain, suffering, sadness, anger, and fear are inevitable parts of life. Trying to eliminate the darker experiences will cause you to notice them even more. On top of that, you’ll suffer more when you do experience those feelings. Remember, pain is an unpleasant experience, but suffering is wanting the pain to go away.

Our unwillingness to experience the full range of emotions also gets in the way when it comes to our relationships. Have you ever had a close friend tell you they have cancer? Most people’s initial reaction is to say, “I’m so sorry.” But is that the most skillful response? Doesn’t “I’m sorry” create more distance between you and the other person rather than bringing you closer, which is almost certainly what the situation calls for? I suspect “I’m sorry” is actually more about me than it is about the other person.

Earlier this week, another friend and colleague told me a story about his six-year-old daughter.  He mentioned that he and his wife are getting incredibly frustrated because their daughter constantly demonstrates unpredictable emotional swings. One minute she’ll ask to play miniature golf and then, minutes later, in the middle of the round, she will break down crying with intense sadness.

Admittedly, I’m way out of my area of expertise when it comes to child development, and I’m also not a parent, but as my friend described his dilemma it occurred to me that he was the one suffering, not his daughter. I asked him to consider that his daughter might be someone who enjoys experiencing a full range of emotion, including sadness. Rather than being something to worry about, her sadness might simply be the full expression of her personality. Rather than trying to change his daughter’s feelings, we talked about how he might be better off focusing on his own unpleasant feelings in those moments. Maybe we can all learn from that little girl!

Here’s a challenge. As you go through the rest of your week, be on the lookout for some of the emotions that we traditionally think of as “undesirable.” (I’ve included a diagram below.) Notice your reaction in the face of these emotions. Is your instinct to move away? If so, what is the opportunity cost? In what way are you robbing yourself from the opportunity to have a different experience? In what way is this about protecting myself?

Once you get good at noticing these things, you’ll be ready for the advanced challenge … instead of flinching away from the negative emotion, what might it look like to move toward it? Then, if you’re feeling brave, do it.

Next week, we’ll talk about why being stuck sucks.

Until then,

Prosperous Journey,

-zog

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Photocredit - https://pixabay.com/users/wokandapix-614097/