I Have a Request

Do you struggle to make requests? Most of us do, at least some of the time. It’s one of the most common challenges that I encounter, working with leaders in a professional setting. But many people struggle with requests in their personal lives as well. Sadly, the cost of this problem is high, because making and receiving requests is one of the most basic building blocks for healthy relationships. In this Intentional Tuesday, we’re going to explore some of the more common challenges with requests and share some ways to overcome them.

Before we get into requests, we need to make a crucial distinction. Without it, we’ll never be able to make requests skillfully. It’s the distinction between a request and a directive. 

You probably feel the difference when you hear the words side-by-side. The word “request” implies the recipient has an option, whereas “directive” implies the recipient does not. The difference is huge, as we’ll soon discuss. Getting them mixed up can be disastrous.

To avoid this, whenever you have a request that you’d like to make, the first step is to ask yourself whether it really should be a directive. Do you want the other person to have a choice about whether they accept your request or not? If you don’t intend for the recipient to have a choice, you should deliver it as a directive.

Many people cringe at the thought of giving directives and they’re not wrong to be apprehensive. People don’t want to be led by directives. Directives rob us of our autonomy. Of course, directives are sometimes necessary and sometimes they are the most effective way to lead. Directives are easily overused, however.

In order to avoid having to deliver a directive, sometimes we’ll dress it up to look like a request. This is equally problematic. Here’s why. Requests have a particular language pattern that allow the other person to recognize what’s happening. Based on the verbal cues, the recipient understands they have a choice, to accept, deny, or modify the request. It’s a conversational standard that civilized people agree to live by. But not everyone does. 

Have you ever worked in an environment where there was an unwritten rule that you could never refuse a request from the boss? How much did you enjoy working in that environment? How much did you trust and respect the leader? Not much, right?

When a leader delivers a request, but it’s understood that refusal is not an option, it undermines the authenticity and integrity of the leader. It creates a gap between what the leader says and what they mean. It erodes trust on every level. This type of incongruence can way more damage to the relationship than a whole bunch of directives.

The problem isn’t always sinister. Sometimes, the leaders with the best intentions struggle to make requests and it often ties back to the distinction between requests and directives. What happens if the leader wants the employees to feel they have a choice in responding to the request, but suspects their employees don’t believe they have the choice? The leader will be hesitant to make requests because they’ll worry that people will perceive the requests as directives. Many times the leader will simply to the work themselves rather than make an appropriate request of someone else to do the work. We often think that an inability to delegate is the result of the leader’s lack of trust in the employee’s ability to do the task, but it can often be the leader worries the person will feel disempowered. 

In these cases it is crucial for the leader to make the distinction between requests and directives and to ensure their people appreciate the distinction. By having a direct and explicit conversation, the team can lay out the ground rules around requests and directives. In the end, everyone benefits.

Parents can benefit from this distinction as well. How often do parents give directives to their children, but deliver them as requests? How many parents use directives when a request might serve just as well, if not better? Recognizing the right tool for the job is just as crucial at home as it is at work.

Requests and directives are each effective tools and we should have both of them in our repertoire. The challenge is figuring out which tool the moment demands. 

The Challenge

Throughout the day, notice when you feel the need to make a request. Ask yourself whether you intend for the other person to have an “option.” If not, then you have a directive. Adjust your language accordingly. If they do have an option, how will you let them know this?

Notice how noticing the difference changes your relationship with the request.

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Photocredit: https://pixabay.com/users/alexas_fotos-686414/