Implicit Problems

Requests are one of the most fundamental building blocks in personal and professional relationships, yet many of us struggle with making and receiving requests. A huge part of the problem lies in the language that we choose. I’m talking about the difference between implicit and explicit language.

What’s the difference?

Implicit means that something in implied, or suggested, but NOT expressed directly. Explicit, of course, means that something is expressed clearly and directly. 

In other words, implicit means we don’t have to actually say what we mean but the other person will still get what we mean. Simple enough. Right?

Most of us use implicit language on a regular basis. In fact, we tend to think of implicit language as a good thing, because it allows us to get our point across without having to spell everything out in detail. Although there are occasions when implicit language creates efficiency, for the most part I think the opposite is true. Implicit language brings such a high risk of misunderstanding and misinterpretation that it outweighs the occasional benefits.

Have you ever been in a meeting or a conversation at home, where you’re discussing something that nobody in the room really wants to do? It’s something that everyone knows needs doing, but nobody wants to be the one to take ownership. We say things like, “yea, we really should do that.” “Yep. Totally. We should do that.”

In these cases, if there’s one thing that’s certain, it’s that nothing is going to get done today.

We’ve all made the comment to a friend, “We should get together soon.” Sometimes we probably actually mean it. But in that moment, we don’t want to think through the complexities of scheduling something. We don’t want the commitment. We use implicit language to make it sound, and even feel, like we’re making a commitment, but without the actual obligation to go along with it. 

When we make a request, it is crucial that we use explicit language. The more implicit our words, the more likely it is the person will misinterpret our intentions and our priority. Consider these statements…

Someone needs to take care of that.

I wish you would take care of that.

Will you take care of that?

I would like to request that you take care of that, by the end of the day.

Can you feel the progression of explicitness with each one? Can you feel the holes and wiggle room closing down with each statement? The lazy versions of ourselves live and breathe in those holes.

As requestors, maybe we use implicit language because we feel bad about making the request in the first place. We hope that if we just put a signal out there someone will pick up on it and we’ll never have to do the dirty work of actually asking. We feel good about it until the request goes unfulfilled and we’re left dealing with the consequences.

As request recipients, we often prefer implicit language. If the request is made with implicit language, then we’re not really committing to anything. There’s too much room for interpretation. Even if the request is delivered well, we may be able to respond with our own implicit language, thus creating sufficient wiggle room.

Yea, we definitely need to do that.

Yea, I’ve got that on my list of things to do.

I can do that at some point.

Yes, I will get that done by 3pm.

The worst part about implicit language is that it feels so easy. It makes conversations go so quickly. Unfortunately, implicit language rarely results in optimal results. 

Implicit language is both the chicken and the egg when it comes to dysfunctional relationships.

The Challenge

Be on the lookout for when you use implicit language in your life. When you notice yourself doing it, ask yourself…what am I trying to avoid right now? Then ask yourself if the long-term risk is worth the short-term gain.

Photocredit - https://pixabay.com/users/geralt-9301/